


The Soulmate Menagerie

by jowritesthings



Series: Soulmate September 2020 [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (but shh dont tell anyone), (especially janus), (remy n remus bc theyre my fave rare/crackpair soz), (u can read it as any but i had a qpr in mind), Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Animals, Background Relationships, Comedy, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Sap, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Sweetheart, Deceit | Janus Sanders-centric, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Food, Humor, M/M, Multi, One Shot, Platonic Soulmates, Romantic Soulmates, Snakes, Soulmates, Swearing, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Logic | Logan Sanders, Sympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, kinda cracky ngl, queerplatonic soulmates, sympathetic everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26317627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jowritesthings/pseuds/jowritesthings
Summary: Janus has an entire zoo following him around as he works today.*Day Three of tsshipmonth2020 (on Tumblr)'s Soulmate September! Prompt: You have an animal that only you and your soulmate can see.*I own nothing. I am not in any way associated with Thomas Sanders or Sanders Sides. I merely wrote the plot and the story. Do not copy or repost to other websites or other places.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Deceit | Janus/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton (Sanders Sides), Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Soulmate September 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1906819
Comments: 7
Kudos: 120





	The Soulmate Menagerie

**Author's Note:**

> What's that? Me making up a ridiculous amount of lore for a singular one-shot in an AU that I'm probably never going to write more of? Pshhhhh naw.
> 
> I'm tweaking day three's prompt a bit for this! If you've read the Golden Compass, it's kind of like that—everyone has a part of their soul accompanying them in animal form. Although in this AU, these soul animals can help lead them to their soulmate, and they cannot speak.
> 
> Do enjoy, luvvies! <3

Janus has a literal zoo of animals following him around today.

If he didn’t dearly love his soulmates, he’d have gone out and bought a shotgun or sicced his own snake on them a long time ago. As it is, though, he does dearly love his soulmates, so it appears that he is stuck with playing pet-sitter to their souls.

Every person has a soul, and in the twenty-four hours after a person is born, a piece of their soul detaches from their body. It isn’t painful or strange at all—merely a fact of life for everyone. This piece of their soul takes the form of an animal unique to them, and from then on, it will stay by your side for the rest of your life. Well, for the most part.

Soul animals are guides through life. They are there to support you at every turn, even when you think there is no one left to help you. But they also serve as a guide to your soulmate.

Once all soulmates have reached the age of eighteen, at some point your soul animal and the soul animal of your soulmate (or soulmates) will randomly switch places. Each soul animal can then guide you to the person or persons destined to change your life forever—be it through romantic involvement or simply being there as a friend, or something in the middle or even entirely different.

Janus, thankfully, has already been through the awkward “looking for your soulmate” thing, and it sucked. He hadn’t been too keen on the whole soulmate thing in the first place, but the five of them managed to find each other relatively quickly, and...well, his soulmates aren’t actually that bad after all. He’s just extremely glad they won’t have to repeat that ordeal ever again.

All the same, that doesn’t help his present situation, as he sits in his cubicle with a snake curled around his bicep, a crow nesting in his hair, a frog sleeping in his water bottle, a raccoon playing with his shoestrings, and a tiny dragon flying circles around his head.

* * *

Janus had been halfway through his morning routine in the bathroom when he looked in the mirror and noticed the menagerie staring up at him with wide, beady, pleading eyes.

“No,” he had said. “I have work today.”

He’d been pouring himself a bowl of cereal (Logan ate all the jam _again_ , dammit) when out of the corner of his eye he noticed five animals sitting on the countertop, almost uncomfortably close.

“ _No_ ,” he had said. “And stop getting _fur_ in my breakfast.”

He’d been four blocks away from their apartment when he glanced into the backseat of his car and caught the whole lot of them looking guiltily up at him.

“Oh my _god_ ,” he had groaned. “If I get fired, I’m blaming you four.”

Patton, Logan, Roman, and Virgil’s soul animals had gleefully accepted his reluctance as permission to move up to sit in the front seat. His own soul snake had slithered his way up the steering wheel and onto his arm, where the little yellow guy curled against his dark skin, looking immensely satisfied.

“You’re not of the hook, either,” he’d scolded...himself?

And so now, here he sits, in a tiny cubicle at work, with a literal zoo of animals pestering him as he tries to actually get work done, thank you very much.

In his next lap around the narrow cubicle, Princey’s wing smacks Crowgan where he roosts in Janus’ hair. The irritated crow stretches a wing out and trips the small red dragon in midair (which, only _Roman_ would be extra enough to have a _dragon_ for his soul animal). Letting out a tiny, enraged squeak, the dragon charges at Crowgan, and the two begin a battle of tug-of-war that only really succeeds in pulling at the coils of Janus’ hair.

Janus tries to ignore it, he really tries. But then Crowgan takes flight and pushes off from his head, and _ouch_ , dammit, that _hurts_!

“Hey,” he tries, but Roman’s dragon hisses out a tiny cough of fire in Crowgan’s direction, and the bird lets out an offended squawk. “Keep it down, guys. I am at _work_.”

In trying to get Princey and Crowgan to calm down, Janus’ foot accidentally kicks Virgil’s raccoon into the wall of his work cubicle. Letting out an offended chitter, Anx clambers up onto Janus’ desk. He starts trying to grab at the two flying creatures and looks baffled when his little paw actually succeeds in latching on to Princey’s hind paw.

Princey, trying valiantly to continue flying after Crowgan, flaps his wings hard, letting out a teeny screech, but Anx holds on tight, so he only succeeds in hitting the water bottle that LilyPadton is chilling in. The poor little frog’s eyes pop wide open as he clambers out of the water and looks around, letting out a croak of alarm.

Finally, Janus’ own snake gets sick of all the hubbub. He sticks his head out of Janus’ sleeve and lets out a long, low hiss of warning, and thankfully, the other soul animals actually seem to listen.

Anx abruptly drops Princey, who nearly falls into Janus’ face. The raccoon dives for cover, huddling in Janus’ lap and hiding his face in Janus’ suit jacket, trembling.

Princey reluctantly settles down once more, roosting in the nest of cables that lies behind Janus’ desktop computer. He preens at his scales daintily and lazily dangles his head off the side of the monitor, quickly beginning to snooze as he takes in the warmth the running computer gives off.

Satisfied that there are no threats, LilyPadton dares venture out of Janus’ reusable water bottle. He makes a mental note to empty, wash, and refill that bottle before he uses it next. William Snakespeare slithers down Janus’ arm and curls up on his desk, forming a protective coil around the tiny green frog.

Crowgan lands none-too-gently on Janus’ head and begins to get himself comfortable once more, twisting at Janus’ hair with his beak and thoroughly ruining the corkscrew curls that had been so artfully arranged earlier that morning.

“This is why I normally wear hats,” Janus grumbles to himself as he resigns himself to typing with one hand whilst comforting a panicking raccoon with the other.

* * *

Lunch is no better than work is.

On the bright side, two of his soulmates’ soul animals have wings, so they can fly themselves places. Janus doesn’t know what he’d do if he had to actually carry all five of them. Then Virgil’s soul animal usually insists on walking alongside Janus, which is also quite nice—especially because when Anx is in a poor mood (that is, almost always), the sheer aura of an irritated raccoon is enough to make others give him and, subsequently Janus, a very wide berth.

Flying up into Janus’ face, Princey tries to lead him across the street to a Thai place, but Janus maintains his course towards the sandwich shop on the corner.

“Your human is making Thai for dinner tonight,” Janus reminds the miffed dragon.

William Snakespeare pokes his head out of the collar of Janus’ shirt, staring longingly as they pass by a pet shop. Which, soul animals technically don’t need to eat or drink actual food, so long as their people are getting enough sustenance, but they are physically capable of eating. That he doesn’t actually _need_ to eat certainly has never stopped Snakespeare from eating all the rats in their New York apartment.

(Yeah, a personified—or, well, animalified—piece of his own soul eats rats. Janus doesn’t like to think about how that works exactly.)

Arriving at the hoagie shop, Janus walks through the door, hearing the familiar jingle of the bell.

The person behind the counter is facing the back kitchen, but he turns around upon hearing someone walk in. A smile spreads across his face. “Hiya, sweetheart!”

Janus smiles, slow like honey. “Hello, darling,” he greets one of his partners.

“You want the usual?” Patton bustles towards the register like he owns the place—which, now that his parents have both retired, technically he actually does.

“Of course not,” Janus jokes.

Logan’s soul animal flies over to perch on Patton’s shoulder. “Oh! Hi there, Crowgan!” he greets as the crow nuzzles at his cheek. The smile on Patton’s face widens into an even brighter, more beautiful grin. Janus relishes the sight, bathes in the glow—a much welcome warmth in the chill of autumn in NYC.

“Say, you didn’t happen to have seen LilyPadton anywhere this morning, did you?” Patton asks as he writes Janus’ typical order down with practiced ease. “When I woke up, the both of you were gone.”

“Ah, yes.” Janus nods, tipping his hat up to reveal his small passenger. (Since the morning’s ordeal, he’d given up on his hair and resigned himself to getting it re-styled sometime during the coming weekend.) The little frog blinks owlishly at his human, adjusting to the sudden light flooding under his hidey hat.

“Aww, there ya are, little buddy!” Patton coos at his soul animal. “Glad to see you’re in good hands.” He looks down and finally takes note of the other animals accompanying Janus. “Oh! You’ve amassed quite the crowd today, huh?” He giggles. “I guess you could say that you have animals up the wa _zoo_.”

“It seems that I have.” Janus sighs. He lets his hat thump back down on his head and rolls his eyes affectionately. “And they’ve been _such_ help at work today.”

Patton laughs again, turning to pass Janus’ order slip to the people in the back kitchen. He calls back a quick set of instructions before turning back to his spouse. “I can imagine.”

“Which, speaking of...by any chance, would you be able to take some of these brats off my hands?” Janus asks, raising up a hand to shield himself when Princey shoots a tiny, offended fireblast at him. “I have a project due today, and it seems they’re all conspiring on keeping me from finishing.”

“I’m sorry, Jan. I wish I could help you.” Patton smiles and shrugs apologetically. “You know we’re not even supposed to have soul animals back behind the counter. FDA regulations.”

“I know, I know.” Janus sighs again. “Alas, it was worth a try anyway.”

“If they’re really being such a pain, I can always text Logan and tell him to come by and get them during his planning period...?” Patton lets the offer hang in the air.

“No need. I _suppose_ it’s all right,” Janus shrugs off. “It’s like having a little piece of you all with me...,” he smirks as Patton lets out a coo, “...right down to every last little annoyance.”

“Oh, you!” One of the people from the back places Janus’ lunch in a bag on the counter. Patton grabs it and hands it to him, lightly smacking his arm with it. “Go on, get back to work. Out of my restaurant,” he shoos fondly.

“I see how it is,” Janus huffs, playfully miffed. “Come on,” he tells his menagerie. He passes his bagged lunch to Anx, who clutches it possessively between his paws. “I can tell when we’re not wanted somewhere.”

“Bye!” Patton calls cheerily, biting back a snort as Princey mimics Janus’ mock-offended pout.

And with that, Janus and his animal crew are on their not-so-merry way once more.

* * *

As expected, by the time Janus arrives back at his workplace Virgil’s soul animal has polished off Janus’ bag of chips.

“You’re lucky I love you enough to share, you rat, or I’d call animal control on you,” Janus threatens the satisfied (and noticeably fatter) raccoon, but there’s no real heat behind his words.

LilyPadton decides to remain in Janus’ hat when he takes it off, so when he hangs it up on the hook he leaves a little piece of lettuce sitting in the brim for the little guy before sitting back down at his desk.

“All right, listen up, you bunch,” Janus commands, all business.

Sensing that he’s being serious, the soul animals all turn to look at Janus. Princey looks up from where he’s destroying a piece of salami, Crowgan glances down from his perch on the side of the cubicle, Anx pops up from the nest he’s making in the trash can, Snakespeare slithers out of Janus’ pants leg, and even LilyPadton peeks out from the hat.

“After lunch, _I_ need to finish this project, and _you_ need to be quiet.” Janus levels them all with a firm stare. “If you want me to get home to your humans even close to on time, you will hush and let me work. Understood?”

The five animals nod collectively, and Janus feels a rush of satisfaction. “It’s about time the five of you calm down,” he mutters.

But of course, once the animals all calm down, an entirely different distraction appears in the form of a pestering coworker and (totally not a) friend.

“Hey gurl.”

Still typing busily away at his computer, Janus refuses to turn around to acknowledge Remy.

But Remy persists. “What’s up?” he asks.

“Oh, do come in, it’s not like I’m busy or anything,” Janus mumbles to himself, but he turns around nevertheless. “Remy. Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Nah, not really.” Remy shrugs, and—why is he wearing sunglasses _inside_ the office building? Janus will never understand his fellow humans.

“Well, I’m kind of in the middle of something, so—” he tries to dismiss Remy, but the guy interrupts him. _Rude_.

“Aww, the big ol’ grump is pet-sitting!” Remy reaches down and pats Anx on the head, ignoring how the raccoon snaps at his withdrawing hand with sharpened teeth. “How _cute_ , babe!” Remy’s own soul animal—an extremely sassy cat that has bitten Janus many a time—sniffs daintily at William Snakespeare before turning up his nose.

“Is there a point to this visit?” Janus grits out. Yes, Remy is his best friend’s boyfriend. Yes, Remy is an acquaintance of his. Yes, Remy could even technically be considered a friend. But at work, he’s nuisance first, friend second.

“Nope!” Remy pops the ‘p’. “I was just curious about the bird.” He inclines his head towards Crowgan. “I can see him from where I work.” He pauses, snickering. “You know, Susan from accounting thinks you kidnapped them all. She doesn’t think it’s possible for you of all people to bag four soulmates.”

“Well, Susan from accounting can stuff it,” Janus responds testily. He turns impatiently back to his computer. “Remy, I really have work I should be doing—”

“Say, gurl, I was running late today and didn’t make it to Starbucks,” Remy interrupts him again, gesturing at the water bottle still sitting on Janus’ desk. “Mind if I have a sip?”

Remy doesn’t wait for Janus to answer—which, if he did, Janus totally would have told him that Patton had been sleeping in the water earlier, he _totally_ would’ve. He grabs the bottle, unscrews the top, and takes a sip.

“Hmm.” Remy makes a face. “Does this taste like algae to you?” He holds the bottle out to Janus.

“...I’ll just take your word for it,” Janus says, tone carefully neutral. He exchanges a wary glance with Princey, who looks like he’d be snickering if he could, and then with Crowgan, who looks extremely disapproving. He’s never been more thankful that soul animals can’t talk.

Remy pops the bottle back on Janus’ desk. “Welp, babe, I gotta get going! I get off early today, and Remus says he has a...surprise waiting at home.” Remy grimaces. “Can’t leave him waiting or he’ll start a fire in the kitchen again.”

“Oh, thank god,” Janus mutters. Louder, though, for Remy to hear, he says, “Such a shame. I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

“You know it, hun’.” Remy gives him a two-fingered salute. “Laters!”

With Remy gone, Crowgan, Princey, Anx, LilyPadton, and Snakespeare settle down again, and Janus is finally, blissfully able to focus on finishing that damn report.

He types away, motivated solely by the thought of getting home early to his own partners...and of offloading their damned soul animals back on them, darn it.

* * *

Thankfully, Janus’ personal zoo of animals remains relatively calm for the rest of the day, and he is able to finish the work his boss needs in a vague semblance of a timely manner. He is given the all-clear to head on out for the day just five minutes after five, which, in the grand scheme of overtime, isn’t all that much.

There is a moment of worry before leaving, when they cannot find Patton’s soul frog, but after a panicked search of the office, Janus’ coworker Emile eventually discovers the annoying little bugger swimming about in the breakroom water dispenser.

Princey gets his tail stuck in the elevator door, and Crowgan fluttering across his vision in the car almost causes Janus to crash into a lamppost, but he and the five soul animals manage to make a relatively safe return to the apartment that Janus shares with his soulmates.

After making his way up to the front door of their apartment, Janus struggles to unlock and open the door through an armful of frog, raccoon, snake, and dragon (Princey’s being overdramatic about his tail “injury”, and Anx is on edge after someone’s demon of a soul chihuahua yipped at him). With the aid of copious amounts of creative swearing, Janus manages to get the key in the lock and use an elbow and a few fingers to maneuver the doorknob into twisting open, and he collapses through the doorway.

“I’m home!” Janus calls into the calm, quiet apartment. He staggers over to the couch and unceremoniously dumps Anx and Princey onto the couch, gently depositing LilyPadton onto the arm of the couch. Crowgan glides over and perches primly on the back, watching in grim satisfaction as Virgil and Roman’s soul animals pout. Janus’ own snake slithers out from under his sleeve again, winding himself around Anx’s fluffy stomach.

“Ah, welcome back, love,” a mild voice sounds from the kitchen doorway.

Janus looks up to see Logan standing in the entrance to the kitchen. Crowgan flies over to Logan, perching on his shoulder.

“Yes, hello to you, too,” Logan chuckles. He crosses over to where Janus stands in the living room and kisses him softly on the cheek. “How was work?”

“Surprisingly crowded.” Janus pointedly raises an eyebrow in the direction of the four soul animals now amassed in a snuggle pile on the couch together.

“As I can tell.” Even as Logan maintains a passive expression, Janus can hear the amusement in his partner’s voice. “I was just preparing some tea for everyone. Roman just got back from rehearsal about ten minutes ago, and he insisted on cuddle time before he makes dinner.”

“Oh, how _horrid_ ,” Janus jests, the sarcasm evident in his tone. “Cuddles. The bane of my existence.”

“Shut up, and get in here, idiot,” a faint voice calls from the main bedroom. Virgil, the (ever-lovable) brat.

“ _Fine_. I suppose I will,” Janus calls back, grinning broadly. He turns back to Logan. “Do you need any help with the tea?”

“I’ve got it,” Logan dismisses his offer to help. “Go say hello to the others. You haven’t seen them all day.”

“If you insist.” Janus reaches a hand out to Logan’s, briefly grasping it in his own and giving it a squeeze before he heads down the hallway and into the bedroom.

Amassed in a pile of pillows and blankets on the bed, a great tangle of limbs is just barely apparent. As he stands and quietly observes his spouses, Janus can barely tell where one person ends and another begins—there’s a flash of glasses in one corner that must be Patton, a hint of what has to be Roman’s light brown skin, a vampire-pale hand flailing that should be Virgil.

“Hi, Janus!” Patton pipes up, his voice muffled. “Unless...is that you again, Lo-lo? I seem to have misplaced my glasses somewhere.” He giggles.

“Get over here, you dork,” Virgil demands, his voice muffled by a pillow.

“And wrinkle this exquisite suit? I think not.” Janus moves over to the chair beside the bed, sliding off his shoes and beginning to work off his work clothes. “I love you, but not that much.” He casually begins to slide off his pants.

“What, not gonna give us a show?” Roman taunts playfully.

Janus arches a thin black eyebrow. “No need, when the true work of art is already sitting in front of me,” he retorts smoothly.

Roman lets out a choked noise, burying his rapidly-heating cheeks in a pillow. Patton awkwardly pats his head, while Virgil snickers shamelessly.

Logan walks in with a tray of tea, right as Janus finishes putting on more comfortable clothing. “I have brought tea for everyone. Chamomile for Virgil, apple cinnamon for Patton, passion for Roman, and—”

_“_ Any _tea_ -quila for me?” Janus asks, the corners of his mouth twisting up in a mischievous smirk.

“Janus!” Patton scolds. “Tonight is a _work night_.”

“I jest, I jest.” Janus raises his arms in surrender and accepts the decaf milk tea that Logan hands him. He takes a sip, savoring the sweetness, before carefully placing the mug on one of the bedside tables.

“So. Any particular reason all of your soul animals decided to bother me at work today?” Janus drawls as he faux-reluctantly submits himself to the cuddle puddle.

“Why _wouldn’t_ they want to be around you?” Roman asks. Having recovered from being flustered earlier, he reaches out and grabs at one of Janus’ hands. “You’re the best person to be around. Well, second-best person,” he corrects, grinning boastfully as he lounges and hogs most of the pillows. “Second to me, naturally.”

“Yeah! You’re pretty fun, kiddo!” Patton chirps, reaching out and gently pulling Janus down to lie across his soft stomach. “I’ll bet they all had lots of fun with you today.”

“Sure,” Janus scoffs, rolling away from Patton and into Logan in his feigned indignance. “Lots of fun _annoying_ me.”

“You know you love them anyway,” Virgil teases gently, reaching out and blindly socking him gently on the arm. “You know you love us.”

“...Yes.” Janus smiles, letting his heterochromatic eyes flutter shut. “I suppose I do.”

Because...well, at the end of the day, the soul animals are just that—pieces of his loved ones’ souls. Pieces that they entrust him to take care of, even if they get him into trouble sometimes. His soulmates love him, his soulmates’ soul animals love him. They love him, they mean well. And he loves them, too.

Janus melts into the grasp of his closest, dearest people.

(In the living room, five soul animals curl together tight.)

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so as mentioned in the notes on day two's prompt response, I am still sick. Mostly I've been sleeping, but I've been writing a bit when I'm lucid enough to. If there are any typos I missed in my haze, though, don't hesitate to point them out!
> 
> Come screech at me in the comments or on [Tumblr](https://jowritesthingss.tumblr.com/) or wherever you’d like! Just preferably don’t track me down and screech at me in person, I have social anxiety and I will cry.


End file.
